Thursday, March 14, 2013

Winning Battles


I’m not sure exactly where the shift occurred.  I have to assume it was when my hubby and I stepped into a role with more responsibility in our church, but somewhere along the line I obviously crossed a line into “preparation” mode.  I can tell because it seems like I have more and more battles to fight as of late.  Overcoming offense being a major one. 

There is a battle that I am constantly having to fight in my heart.  I tell the Lord in a moment of frustration “Lord, I CHOOSE to forgive this person”, and at least once a month the situation that caused the offense comes back to mind and I find myself upset all over again.  I started getting discouraged last week because I just cannot seem to get past this situation.  In all honesty, it happened YEARS ago, and it wasn’t a big deal, but for some reason it cut me…. deep.  Despite the fact that I have actually verbalized “I forgive this person” the temptation keeps coming back and I find myself falling back into unforgiveness. 

It’s a dangerous place to be and I know that, which is why it has been so frustrating for me.  I have the DEEPEST desire to truly set this person free in my heart.  My anger is not something that is bothering them… it’s bothering me….and it’s keeping me bound.  I had a moment of revelation though in our LIFE group this past Monday and I’m so thankful.  The Lord always comes through right on time and this was no exception.  As I said, last week I started getting really discouraged because I could not get past this, and on Monday I received just what I needed to overcome.  Our lesson was speaking about Unforgiveness and below is the portion that gave me my answer:

Is there anyone you need to forgive?  God will give you the power to release them…Pray for God’s blessing on their lives.  Do like Jesus did in response to those who crucified Him: ask God to forgive them because “they know not what they do.”
(Luke 23:24)

Now I know that this seems so simple.  I know you all know this already.  Truth is, I’ve sat under years of sermons that have brought this same principle to light.  Sometimes though, you just have to be in the heat of battle for revelation to occur.  Things that you wouldn’t read twice any other day suddenly come to light.  Know what I’m saying?  This was that moment for me.  You know it’s God because my flesh does NOT want to pray blessing on someone who has done me wrong, but I’m looking forward to it!  I hope that this helps you in some way as well.

P.S.  I’ve thought long and hard about my vision for this blog.  I’ve tossed around the idea of conforming to every other blog out there.  Pretty pictures, blurbs about my family, etc.  I believe I’m supposed to keep moving forward in the direction I’ve been heading this whole time though.  I want this blog to be a place where I can share revelation I receive and (hopefully) offer encouragement to you.  I’m not saying that the cutesy posts will not occur in the future, but for the most part, this is just a place for me to vent.  I’m not interested in followers…though I love you all.  I’m just doing this more so as a way of putting words to my feelings.  I hope you’ll continue to follow.  Looking forward to the future!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Closure


I’m back!  I made it!  I apologize for the long break.  We’ve had quite a mad last couple of weeks.  I hope that you were able to catch some of the photos I posted from my trip to New York to Instagram.  I took about a hundred but just haven’t had time to upload just yet.

You may remember me talking about my grandfather being sick, which ultimately resulted in him passing away last Thursday.  A major loss for our family.  I left New York that morning knowing that when they removed him from the ventilator he wasn’t expected to make it the rest of the day.  I turned my phone off on the flight to Atlanta, and turned my phone back on to find he passed away en route.  His kids were with him as he passed and I can think of nothing sweeter.

Grief is such a foreign thing to me.  I’ve had a few friends pass away over the years, but none were particularly close to me.  This.. was such a shock to my system.  Immediately though I was just so happy for him.  I wept and wept and at the same time just wanted to burst because he’s in heaven!  What could be better?  He’s restored… not broken, he’s not struggling to breathe, there’s no sickness, there’s no pain.

We’ve spent the last 4 days with family.  We’ve cried together, shared memories, thoughts, hugs, and it’s been good.  I’ve always been one to feel like there has to be conversation.  If conversation starts to lag I babble in an effort to avoid “awkward” silence.  Not this time though.  It was the first time that I just knew that no words were needed.  Company was needed.  Sometimes that’s the most comforting thing.  Just someone to sit in silence with.

Before my grandfather’s health really began to fail, I went to visit him in the hospital.  He was a man of few words.  He wasn’t going to talk just for the sake of talking.  That day it was just he and I.  He was watching the practice rounds for the Daytona 500, and we just sat in silence watching the T.V.  It’s a day I will treasure.  Just being there to keep him company.  The other being the Saturday before our trip to New York.  The last time I saw him alive.  I was able to sit with him for an hour, again not talking, but just being.  I watched the monitors, I prayed here and there, but mostly just tried to soak up that moment.  When I left, I told him I loved him and kissed his head.

When my father contacted me to let me know they would be removing my grandfather’s ventilator, I had peace in my heart.  Though I didn’t know that the previous Saturday was my good-bye to my grandfather, it was enough for me.  I preferred it that way.  Not leaving him in tears….just a see you later.

Today the tears are still just under the surface, but it’s not quite as hard to contain my emotion.  I assume it will gradually get easier and easier.  I don’t feel quite as sad today as I have the last few days.  I’m mostly just thankful.  I’m thankful for the life of my grandfather… for the man he was.  I’m thankful for the memories I have of him.  I’m thankful for the playful hugs he gave me as a child.  I’m thankful that any time I see Doublemint gum I will be reminded of him.  I’m thankful for the legacy he has left behind.  I’m thankful that things are well with him……just thankful.